On “Too Muchness”

Shoving aside the darkness 2020 has ushered in (so healthy, I know) I’ve opted to put my focus on celebrating entering my 30’s.

After spending my 20’s hopping from one relationship to the next I’ve begun collecting the scattered fragments of myself. The pieces I had shed in hopes that if I just shrunk down a little bit more I would finally, finally be enough. Chipping away at the “too muchness” that somehow always left me feeling less-than. 

And as I let these thoughts fall out onto the pages of my journal I was suddenly hit with a realization — this self-reflection was the exact answer to a different conundrum I had been tirelessly grappling with for the past two years. 

Since 2017 when I made the decision to withdraw from schooling to pursue my writing and digital marketing work full-time I have been puzzling over how to bring all the seemingly random interests and ideas floating around me together into one cohesive… SOMETHING.

What had initially started out as a few pages of mindmaps had turned into a hefty stack of notebooks. But as the stack grew I only felt further and further from having an answer. 

I had named this project “Pulling It All Together” but I was trying my hardest, in vain, to separate my ideas by drawing thick, distinguishable lines between them.

It turns out, this hasn’t been about niching or branding at all. And it definitely isn’t about how many domain names or Instagram accounts one person can reasonably manage.  

This is about me, as a person. 

I have been so afraid of being wrong. Afraid of proving the doubts, both mine and others, correct. Terrified I am doomed to repeat a pattern of never being enough. 

And to cope I spent the last decade obsessively learning the rules. The pillars, the frameworks, the systems.

I have been so focused on listening to what everyone else had to say I didn’t even think to question it. Not even when it didn’t work. Not even when it felt terrible.

I kept shrinking myself down to fit a set of oversimplified parameters. 

And each time, without fail, I would become numb, uninspired, and dejected. 

Once again, I seemed to have found another way I was “too much” yet simultaneously not enough.

What if, just as I need to stop fragmenting myself in relationships, I also need to stop fragmenting myself in business? 

And what if, just as I am not designed for a corporate career while raising 2.5 kids, I am also not designed for a finely-tuned-niche, 6-figures-or-bust business.  

What if I finally (FINALLY!!) take a deep breath in, deeper breath out, and just let myself melt into the fact that I am entirely, certifiably “too much”.  

I spent nearly a decade learning the rules. Perhaps it’s time to start breaking them. 

Bee Tee Dubs — By “what if” and “perhaps” I mean I am and I will.

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One Comment

  1. THIS. 🙌🙌🙌🙌 Certifiably too much people are the best people. I was reminded of this quote when reading your post: ‘Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.’ – Picasso. Can’t wait to read your next posts and see where the adventure takes you!

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